Venus De Milo

January 31, 2013 at 5:36 pm (Bodies, For Larks, Uncategorized) (, , , , )

The feet had to go first. Or perhaps the anus, so she could exit this world by the way she entered it: embryonic, gut first. Didn’t matter which, she told him – she was a breech birth. He had forgotten their penknife, ‘ just a zippo and some keys’, he told her fumbling through coat pocket. Giggling now ‘Oh-don’t-you-fuss’ – he would make a fine job of it, she was sure that he would make a fine job of it. ‘Eyeballs can boil, you know’  suggestive. Her nodding, ‘lovely’. She laid out the plastic sheets while he dug around his satchel for the marigolds, blowing each into a bulbous little salute before donning. How he loved her.

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The Alpha Omega of: Why I am an Awful Writer.

September 27, 2010 at 10:03 pm (Art, For Larks, Observations) (, , )

A is for Almost,
B is for Blast
and C for those Constant
Confusions I Cast.

D makes Disaster
for all Else, my E,
F brings the Fuck ups
and Grievance with G.

H is for Hatred
for myself (that is I),
for the J that is Jaded,
and L, that I Lie.

M is my Mindset
and P is my Pen,
O is for Obvious –
I’m (Q)uite sick of them.

R is for Really
I could if I tried,
S is for Soddit:
my T – Temper decides

how my U – Ultimate
V – Vision turns out.
W for a Writer whose awful at-
Xylophone, fuck!

But with a Y simply Yearns
to mimic her heroes
at the end of her pen spouts
Zip, Zilch, Zero.

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Labouring the Point

September 17, 2010 at 10:45 am (For Larks, Observations) (, , )

An investigation of the word “Point”.

Point Out: To withdraw the phallus from the vagina before ejaculation, also known as The Withdrawal Method.
Labouring the Point: To copulate roughly until genital soreness is induced.
Vanishing Point: The tip of a narrow phallus.
“Great Point”: An ego fuelling compliment.
Points of Interest: The genitals of male celebrities.
Viewpoint: Voyeurism.
Missing the Point: To thrust in the act of coitus, but have ones phallus miss the vaginal opening.
Pointless: Woman.
Bloody Pointless: A menstruating woman.
Pointy: Phallic. Can also be used to describe someone who is full of their self.
“I Can’t See Your Point”: Small man, cold day.
Neat Point: Trimmed.
Valid Point: A man presenting himself to either a homosexual man, a heterosexual woman or a bisexual.
Raising a Point: To induce erectness in the male genitals.
Elaborate Point: Colloquially known as a “Prince Albert”
Irrelevant Point: Nude man, Lesbian
Power Point: To copulate vigorously.
Power Point Presentation: To copulate vigorously in front of another.
“I see your point”: A discreet warning to a man whose flies are undone.
Point A to Point B: To Frot.
Pointy Hat: Condom.
Pinpoint: A very narrow phallus.
Talking Point: Witchcraft!
Pressure Point: To squeeze the phallus uncomfortably.
Point-Scoring: Someone who is said to be “out on the pull”.
Pointed Face: A face which has been ejaculated upon.
Gunpoint: An overused phallic symbol.
Point of Contact: Success!
Vague Point: Klinefelter’s Syndrome.
Double Points: To be penetrated in two orifices by a phallus.
Pointing Out an Argument: To direct, using ones phallus, the attention of another to a piece of information in an academic document.
Pivotal Point: A trick also known as “the helicopter”
Pointed Shape: Phallic (see Pointy)
Putting a Point Across: To switch the phallus from the vagina to the anus during intercourse.
Bonus Point: To discover a secondary set of genitals on ones new sexual partner.
Countering a Point: To joust the phallus of another man to prevent imminent entry into a woman (or man) that one desires.
Bringing Up Another Point: To act as a “Wingman”
Dismantling a Point: Circumcision.
Contesting a Point: To “whip ’em out” (two or more persons required) and see whose genitals are of the largest proportions.
Help Point: To bring a tired man to orgasm.
An Important Point: The phallus of a man who holds (or held) great power. (For instance, the penis of Rasputin, which is said to have been cut from him when he was murdered and is rumoured to be in possession of a third party and still preserved today.)
Assembly Point: A set of genitals so marvellous that man gather around it as soon as it is revealed.
A Redundant Point: The phallus of a eunuch.
Illustrative point: A drawing (or diagram) of the genitals created for medical, educational or artistic purpouses.
Focal Point: The “head” of the penis
Minor Point: The phallus of a gentleman in the coal industry who is unable to spell his profession.
Major Point: An officer in WW1 who was famous for keeping his jewels heavily armoured, constantly afraid that they may been damaged beyond repair by gunfire.
To Point Out Eagerly: The hasty withdrawal of a man who realises suddenly that he is engaging in coitus with a lady of ill repute or odious in face and body.
“I Appreciate Your Point”: “I have been a while without engaging in coitus.”
Final Point: The final commission of an artist in the adult entertainment industry.

This list was composed with help from The Anarchic Dandy (http://flotsamyoni.wordpress.com/), who is as much to blame for this atrocity as I.

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